I Know What It Is Like, When...
I rarely write posts showing my tender side, but lately, I have felt that it would be okay. Years ago I spontaneously wrote the below and sent it off to someone without thinking much about it. I came upon it recently and wanted to share it. The recipient was moved to tears with hitting nerves about their recent ordeal. Perhaps you, too, might be familiar with this scenario?
I use to be a VERY healthy person!
There are so many people in this world that are infected by this stuff and the medical establishment is ineffectual. Where do I go from here? For now, I’m able to do whatever I can with whatever scientific and spiritual knowledge that I’ve acquired. This is my story in a nutshell.
- I know what it is like to see 9 different doctors who didn’t do much…
- I know what it is like to be frightened with encountering the unknown.
- I know what it is like to be ripped off.
- I know what it is like when you put your trust in someone and are greatly disappointed.
- I know what it is like to be betrayed, lied about, and accused of things that you would never consider!
- I know what it is like to feel helpless.
- I know what it is like to be desperate.
- I know what it is like to have no money.
- I know what it is like to be overwhelmed in sickness to the point of feeling paralyzed.
- I know what it is like to be abandoned.
- I know what it is like to live with nasty creatures in the body.
- I know what it is like to have people make the wrong assumptions about me.
- I know what it is like to be alone and to have absolutely no one to turn to.
- I know what it is like to feel death.
I find that people are so judgmental - “Why didn’t you do this or that?” or “You look fine to me!”
My thoughts are, “How was I suppose to plan for the hells of ill-health year-after-year?” Another thought of mine, “You think I look fine, but you’re not around me long enough to see the truth! To me, I sometimes don’t recognize myself.”
As we both know, there are challenges when infected; thus, moving considerably slower in life because your mind is affected.
The saddest of all truths is when family claims to ‘help’ but the trauma that they inflict with disbelief, verbal abuse, and abandonment becomes far worse than what a person is dealing with – the enormity of cruelty and uncaring attitude is truly mindboggling. I wouldn’t wish what I went through upon anyone, even an ‘enemy’. Many years have passed and some emotions still well up, unfortunately, from the trauma and grief that I was put through on top of being critically ill (something like post-traumatic stress, not ‘depression’). I have gotten better healthwise and happier, although this still stings a little.
I have forgiven them, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that I need to socialize with them. Our relationship would be healthier if there were sincere acknowledgement (without justification), kindness, and a change on their part; otherwise, it isn’t healthy for me to be around them. Without this perspective, it is like trying to wrestle to the ground a full grown wild bull with horns. The bull is doing what it knows to do best – charge at you with its horns. Unless you like this kind of sport, is it necessary to get gouged and worn out? It took me many years to succumb to my final decision to let them go – I’m glad that I did because it has been necessary for my survival. The biggest relief is that I don’t have to continually find ways to vindicate myself or show evidence of what occurred to me. I know what is going on and this is all that matters. Living with peace and being around people who geniunely love you is essential. Finding ways to regain your health is equally important.
Wonderful words from Bill Johnson from a spiritual perspective in those moments of encountering dispair.
There has been loneliness with no support (but, rather, cruelty from others) in this journey for all of us, I think. I guess with time you can accept what happened, but you can never be ok with it. That would be exactly what you describe: cooperating with the bull, or saying that the bull was supposed to charge at you with his horns.
I've distanced myself from those who hurt me in my own way; in a personal and "disguised" way; meaning they don't really know about my real feelings (or about what I'm going through...), and I do socialize with them, but I've built a wall towards them, with time. I play a role that makes them happy and makes me at peace. It's a win-win for all.
In my own situation this is the easiest and "most practical" and "most efficient" for me. Talking about "practicality" or "efficiency" when it comes down to emotions, feelings and relatives may seem pretty cold, but sometimes it is the best you can do, or the only thing you can do to be at peace. It takes time not to feel guilty about these "strategies", but at last one understands it is not a matter of disdain or hate or even non-acceptance, but rather of acceptance, and survival. And at the end, of being happy.
I'm SO sorry you have had to go through all of this.
Thank you for sharing DD Rose. I'm sure it is going to help others. As I said it really touched me to see this posted here. I'll be posting on some personal story struggles soon too.
I do have some friends that I'm still in contact with from that time where there is a barrier, as you've described. The difference between them and family is that they have been kinder since their misstep (maybe they have acknowledged their error?). Also, whatever they did or said was done once or maybe twice and not an ongoing thing. I recently had another friend contact me who apologized to me twice admitting that they were less than compassionate when I had tried to explain what was going on with me; unfortunately, today they are in a health crisis and understand my perspective. The difference between them and family is evident to me. If I have to have contact with family (via phone), the time is extremely limited and I give them no time to throw in a zinger.
The nature of lightening is that it will strike... my thoughts, stay out of the path of lightening. Again, I have forgiven but I don't have a desire to break bread with those people. The bowl has been broken -- hard to disguise the numerous cracks on the whole object.
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